"If I hit her...I'll lose my job."

McClellan is sick, again, for the second time since starting day care August 23rd. Really she never got fully over the congestion from being sick the first time.

I picked her up from daycare on Friday and Erica & Brandi told me they thought she was getting sick again and wasn't feeling well. We came home and she slept from 5:00 - 8:00, woke up in time to take an 8 oz bottle and then went back to sleep again. We woke her up to change her diaper and put her to bed, feed her again...and she slept from 10:00pm - 5:15am Saturday morning. I got up, breastfed her and then she went back down until 9:00am.

To say that McClellan is an amazing sleeper would be an understatement-even when she's sick she's a sleeping rock star!!

When she got up at 9:00 I took her temp and she was still running a low fever-slightly over 100 degrees. We decided to all the Dr and get in that morning - good thing I followed my gut; McClellan has her first ear infection and is now on her first antibiotic.

This sucks. Having her sick and on meds blows. She absolutely *HATES* having her nose sucked out and we have to do that often. I'm not a fan of overusing antibiotics and would have preferred to delay giving her any for as long as possible. The risks of not treating an ear infection are too high though, and I'm not willing to risk it. The Dr. says that she'll won't be contagious after being on the antibiotic for 24 hours and that she should start feeling better in about that same time frame.

So off we went to get her saline drops for her nose and fill her prescription. The pharmacy was going to be awhile so we decided to leave and go get a bite to eat. As Matt ordered for us, I sat down at a table and pulled out a bottle to feed McClellan. There was no hiding that she's sick-you can hear the rattling around when she breathes (luckily it's all in her head and hasn't gone to her chest) and her little nose, no matter how often we wipe/clean it, seems to always be snotty.

I sat there feeding McClellan and noticed a woman at a table about 10' away staring at us. I smiled, assuming she was staring because my little girl is super cute. A few minutes later a younger woman and a baby came and sat down with the "staring woman." It was then that I heard the "staring woman" say "No wonder her baby is sick-she doesn't breast feed..."

About every emotion went through my head...anger, embarrassment, sadness, guilt. How dare she judge me. How dare she assume anything. She has no idea what I've done to try and get my supply bumped up. She has no idea how much guilt I feel and how I wonder if Punky's immune system isn't as strong as it could be because I'm not able to exclusively breast feed her.

I became enraged. I wanted to hit her. I wanted to walk over to her table and go off. I was so upset I had tears in my eyes. I kept telling myself "If I hit her, I"ll lose my job." Notice that I wasn't as concerned about being charged, but being charged would mean I would lose my job.

I'm sure that sounds ridiculous-hitting someone. I agree. But I'm just being honest, that's where my head went.

What I should have done is walk over, let her see the tears in my eyes, and tell her how much her words hurt me. I should have made her listen to all that I've done; from lactation cookies, lactation consultant appointments, prescriptions that are supposed to help build your supply, herbs, supplements, nasty tasting tea, the list goes on. And then, then I should have asked her if she thought it would have been better had I let my daughter starve.

I'm a good mom, a darn good mom. I may be new at this but I think I'm doing a great job. Do I wish that I could produce enough milk so that McClellan was only being given breast milk-you bet I do, but not being able to does NOT make me a bad mom.

McClellan is 5 months old today!!

The time is going by too fast, way too fast! She's changing so much and growing so fast...and I really just wish she'd slow down!

McClellan continues to make us look good-still sleeping through the night as she has since 3 weeks old, and yes, we realize we are extremely lucky! She is still the happiest girl-rarely fusses and even more rarely cries. She is just extremely laid back and mellow-how did we get so lucky??

Roly Poly-that's what McClellan is these days. She rolls everywhere and anywhere she can...and FAST!! The days of putting her on her play mat and her staying there are over! She is starting to get up on all fours but hasn't yet figured out the crawling, instead she just rocks back and forth.

Getting this months photo was WAY harder than ever before-all she wanted to do was grab on to Charlie, her bear, and wiggle around. The days of propping her up and taking an easy picture are over I think.

She's been sitting up now for a couple of weeks, getting longer and longer each time-she loves it and seems so proud of herself!

This past month also brought our first bout of sickness since starting day care. Snotty nose and low grade fever=missed work and lots of cuddling from Mom and Dad. In the midst of Punky being sick I got sick with a full blown sinus infection and then a week or so later Matt got sick. Lovely. According to our pediatrician, this is all normal-oh joy.

We're all healthy now and feeling good just in time for fall, our favorite time of year. We're looking forward to pumpkin patches, football, fall baking and trips to the mountains for fall colors and hikes!!

McClellan's MiMi in da' house ya'll!!

My mom was here last weekend and I can't even begin to describe how great it was to have her here!! I was definitely in need of some girl time and we had tons of that!!

She flew into town on Thursday night and McClellan greeted her when we got home from the airport-Mom couldn't believe how big she had gotten and how much she had changed! The last time Mom saw McClellan was July 4th so it had been about 2 1/2 months-lots of changes since then!

Friday we had a full day of shopping - to say that McClellan's closet is full is a HUGE understatement. We got some amazing deals and loaded up on all kinds of adorable things for Punky-including some white high top shoes that look like they have been tattooed with cupcakes-HA!! She'll be stylin' for sure with those on!

Saturday was gorgeous so we headed up for a day of fall colors and hiking!! The leaves were gorgeous and we had a great hike and lunch at Golden Gate State Park.

On our way back to town we stopped in Boulder and walked around Pearl Street and the fall art festival they were having.

As always McClellan was perfect and loved ever minute of the time she got to spend with her MiMi!

Swing Time!!

We had a great day today!! We went to Garbanzo's, ordered lunch and then headed to a park to eat and enjoy the beautiful weather today brought!






After lunch McClellan had her first swing ride-it was a *HUGE* success!!! She loved it!!




Dang...I just gotta brag a bit here...she looked sooooo darn cute in that swing!!

We also walked around the DU (Denver University) area and loved the scenery. I am ready to move there!! As soon as I win the lottery that is. : ( We walked around the campus and then headed to Ben and Jerry's for ice cream cones-YUM!

Today was one of those days I've dreamed about...guess dreams really do come true! : )

Harvestival at Grant Farms

You know that place we get all those vegetables and fruit from? I've blogged about it before, I think...they had a "Harvestival" this weekend up at the farm outside Wellington, CO. We weren't going to go as it's quite a haul and the tickets were $20/each. BUT...this week they gave members free tickets!! Each person was given one ticket to Saturday's event and one ticket to Sunday's event but when I was picking our share up another member gave me their tickets...so we made the drive up after all. Here are a few highlights:

~Hanging out with Daddy listening to bluegrass band Boulder Acoustic Society


~Some of the yummy, local fare-beer from Fort Collins Brewery & grilled artichokes and corn from right there at Grant Farms. YUM! The artichoke hearts were to die for!!




~Matt trying to eat corn without McClellan grabbing it-not easy!!

~The chickens and their new homes on the buses!!

~McClellan and Matt hanging out with some of the farm animals:

~After we left the farm we headed to Loveland to Matt's parents house for a BBQ. McClellan wasn't feeling too hot (more on that later) but she pulled out a couple of smiles for us anyway.

~McClellan and her Grandpa Millner

4 months old today!!

Weight: 14 lbs 1 oz

Height: 24 inches

Head: 41.25 cm

McClellan "passed" her 4 month appointment with flying colors!! Developmentally she is a rock star!! She impressed the Dr. again this month with pulling herself into a standing position when she grabbed onto the Dr's fingers!! Go Punky Go!!

Sadly, McClellan had to get shots at this appointment. Two shots in her thigh and an oral vaccine. I turned away and didn't look while the nurse was doing the dirty work. She let out this horrible cry, then Matt immediately picked her up and within seconds she was smiling again. She's such a trooper!!

McClellan is changing so fast, every day it seems there is something new she's doing. She's mastered the rollover-both back to front and front to back, and back and forth and to and fro. She rolls around all over the place! We're constantly having to put her back on the big blanket that we spread out on the floor because she rolls and wiggles off it constantly!

She loves to play with her toes and grab onto her feet and rock back and forth. Keeping socks on her is almost impossible! Changing her diaper can be tricky now too. She moves so much that if we're not careful she's going to flip right off the changing table!!

She also started daycare in this past month. She's doing great, and so are we, with this new change. We are so lucky to have found Erica and her full time assistant Brandy to care for McClellan. Every morning when Matt drops her off they tell him how cute she is and every night when I pick her up they tell me how "perfect" and "mellow" she is.

Erica laughs that taking care of McClellan makes her want to have another baby-I'd say that's a pretty great compliment. Yesterday when I picked McClellan up Erica even came out on the porch after I'd walked out to tell me that she thought Matt and I were great parents!! Yay us!!

McClellan you are such an amazing little girl. You are growing so fast and changing so much every day. I tell you that "I love you" at least a million times a day. Every day I think that I couldn't love you anymore than I already do, and yet the next day comes along and my heart is even more full with love for you. Your smile is infectious and your laugh contagious. You have made your Daddy and I happier than we ever thought possible.

Happy 4 month birthday little girl!! We love you!!

Long time no blogging ...

It's been over three weeks since I've had the time to share anything here - busy. That's how the past three weeks have been.



Busy. Emotional. Stressful. Hectic. Overwhelming.



The night before my first night back to work was horrible. I sat on the couch holding her in my arms bawling for hours. I cried so much that my face burnt from all the tears and my eyes were swollen. Knowing that the next day I'd be walking out the door, leaving her behind for 9+ hours was killing me.



That first day, telling her goodbye was more painful than anything I'd ever felt. I kept wondering if she'd wonder where I was, why I'd left or worry that I wouldn't come back. I held her forever that morning, until the last possible second, and then kissed her goodbye through tears, handed her to Matt and walked out the door...back to work.



I cried that day at work, a lot.



Luckily Matt stayed with her the first week and then my sister and nephew came out to watch her-that helped so much. Knowing while I was adjusting to working again she was still at home with her Daddy and then her Aunt made it much easier those first two weeks.



Matt was an amazing stay at home dad that first week-he had amazing dinners ready each night came home, the house was always clean and the laundry caught up. Honestly, he did more than I did while I was home with her!!



Aunt Maegan spoiled McClellan rotten while she was here. Miss McClellan will be stylin' with all the new clothes that she got!! Keeton was a great helper too!! They came to see me at work one day and we all went to lunch and McClellan got to see everyone I work with.



Week 3 brought the dreaded start of daycare. Honestly this day was easier than I thought it would be. I think having already been back at work for two weeks helped. We'd also gone to Miss Erica's house for dinner the week before-we got to meet all the other kids and parents that McClellan will be hanging out with during the day. That was a HUGE help-McClellan got to meet Erica and Brandy, we got to watch them interact with her and get more comfortable with the whole idea.



My daily schedule looks something like this:

5:00am - wake up, shower, get ready

5:45am-go in and turn on McClellan's radio and soft light to start waking her up

6:00am-get McClellan up, change her diaper and b/f her

6:20am-McClellan gets passed off to Matt while I get dressed and race out the door

6:30am-I'm out the door between 6:30 - 6:40 and heading to Castle Rock

7:15am-Typically I get to the office by 7:15

4:00pm-time to race out the door and head to day care to get Punky

4:45pm-arrive at daycare and see the smiles I've been missing all day!!

5:00pm-arrive home-McClellan has already fallen asleep in the car on the way home

~unpack diaper bag, repack diaper bag, change my clothes, unpack my lunch dishes from work, start dinner...

5:45pm-McClellan starts to wake up, diaper change and get ready to feed her

6:30pm-Matt gets home, finishes making dinner

7:30pm-We eat dinner and McClellan falls asleep, again

~clean up kitchen, make lunches, get things ready for the next day

9:00/9:30pm-feed McClellan and get her ready for bed

~finish cleaning up and get ready for bed

10:30pm-I'm heading to bed and exhausted I crash within seconds...yes I mean seconds



It sucks. If you look at the schedule you'll see that I'm with McClellan for 30 minutes max in the mornings and about four hours in the evenings-at least two of which she's sleeping. I see my daughter, awake, for a total of maybe 2 1/2 hours a day Monday - Friday. It blows.



Trying to squeeze in tummy time, book reading, cuddle time and feeding during all 2 1/2 hours.



::sigh::



It makes me sad. I cry a lot. I feel like in the mornings, I'm not really "with" her-I'm watching the clock the entire time knowing that I must be done by 6:20 so I can get dressed and out the door on time. There is very little room for error with my schedule. I have to leave home on time to get to work and I have to leave work on time to get to daycare.



I feel like I am burning both ends of the candle ... but, it is what it is.



To say that I'm not jealous of Matt for getting leisurely mornings with her before he takes her to day care...yeah, that would be a lie. They get cuddle time and then take a walk with the dog while I'm racing to get to the office and starting my work day. Jealous-absolutely. Happy-yes, that too. Happy that McClellan gets this special time to bond with her Daddy.



::sigh::



This is our new life, and every second counts.