Today I was overwhelmed...

overwhelmed by how incredibly lucky I am.

This week has been hard for me-lots of tears and feeling sorry for myself. The reality of me going back to work hit me this week and there hasn't been a day that I haven't cried multiple times thinking about my time at home with her ending.

I've been a wreck. I've wanted to run away with her and hide from the reality that in 3 weeks I'll be going back to work.

Today we met my friend Ann for a bagel and coffee-McClellan was, as usual, perfect-not a peep, just tons of gummy grins and giggles. Afterwards we went to Sunflower to pick up a few things for the weekend and again, perfect, she was perfect. Looking up from the cart smiling at me and reminding me of how incredibly lucky I am.

I've spent so much time this week being a wreck that I haven't been focusing on how flippin' lucky I am.

I am IN LOVE with my daughter.

She is incredible. She is beautiful. She is funny. She is perfect. She is everything.

Going back to work is going to be incredibly hard-there's no way around that.

Today though, I was reminded how lucky I am-including lucky to have my job. The job that provided the benefits (even if they did go up in cost) that got her the best care while she grew inside me, that will continue to provide the benefits to help keep her healthy and growing strong, that will help provide for her financially.

Do I wish I could stay home with her? Abso-frickin'-lutely. But that's not an option.

So...I'm going to try and focus on how lucky I am. Lucky to have the most perfect ever little girl. Lucky to have the most perfect ever husband (most of the time, hee-hee) who is the most perfect ever father to our perfect little girl. And yes, I'm lucky to have my job to go back to.

Even though it means I'll have to leave this behind five mornings a week.

I'll be focusing on getting to come home to this five nights a week.

The Bears Win Again ...

McClellan loves chasing her bears, but the bears always win. : )

I won't always be able to keep her safe.

Yesterday we all went to the grocery store, stopping at Starbucks first to enjoy a latte outside on the patio. It was a great morning. McClellan smiled all morning and jabbered through our latte time.

From there we went next door to King Soopers to pick up a few things. We were in an isle, McClellan in her car seat in the large basket area of the cart and our items tucked in around her. Matt and I were looking for a certain type of bean and had the cart about 10 feet from where we were looking-there had been no one else in the isle so no big deal.

At one point I saw out of the corner of my eye that someone was coming down the isle behind us, headed towards McClellan's direction. I looked up and saw the person...the monster I should say. It was Greg Slice (fake name so I won't get sued should this ever get out)...a sex offender found Not Guilty at trial of over 40 counts of Sex Assault on a Child, his daughter being the victim.

I immediately spun around and went to McClellan and immediately started crying-not bawling but tearing up and sick to my stomach. Having that monster anywhere near my daughter made me want to vomit.

The facts of the case came flooding back-I remembered listening to the Victim, only 9 years old at the time she testified, recalled the details of the continued abuse at the hands of this monster who was now feet from my daughter.

Matt could tell something was up-this is typically my response when I run into one of my old defendants. This time was different though. This time my child was with me. This time the monster wasn't just feet from me but feet from my daughter-walking by so close she was within arms reach. It disgusted me and affected me on a level unknown to me until now.

For those of you that don't know where all of this is coming from...I used to work in the Special Victim's Unit at the District Attorney's Office. Our cases were almost all child abuse cases-physical child abuse, including child abuse resulting in death and sex assault on a child cases. My job was to work with the Victim's and their families through the process of the case and help the Attorney's organize their case for trial-in a nut shell.

It seemed like wherever we went in the store there he was.

I couldn't stop the tears and I couldn't take my hands off the cart where McClellan was safely in her car seat. It was then I realized that I won't always be able to be right next to her and I won't know every bad person in the world. I won't always be able to keep her safe-that realization took the breath out of me.

We couldn't get them all...this one got away with the horrible things he did to his daughter. Now he's free to walk right next to mine.

Makes me sick.

2 month check up

Today was McClellan's two month well baby check and stats round up!



Weight 11.5 lbs

Height 22.5" (our little girl wasn't cooperating with stretching out so who knows)

Head: 38 cm



We got rave reviews all around on our little girl-she's right on track with her growth and the Dr. was really impressed with her strength and head control. We had our proud parent moment when she told us that some of her development they wouldn't expect to see until the 4 month appointment!! McClellan has abs of steel, very much unlike me, and preformed her little "crunches" for the Dr showing off her strength and muscle development. Go McClellan Go!!



I talked to the Dr about our/my continued breast feeding supply issues and how it's frustrating (yes I know that isn't helping) and was looking for some insight. Basically she assured me that what we are doing is "totally working" as McClellan is growing right on track and "perfect"-love it when a Dr calls your kiddo perfect!



As for the shots-McClellan was a real trooper. They didn't have either of us hold her down which I was grateful for. She got one oral "shot" and three "regular" shots in her legs-two in one and one in the other. She let out a heartbreaking little "whelp" and cried for about a minute and that was it! I'm telling you, she was a rock star!



I on the other hand had a little breakdown in the Dr's Office. The subject of me returning to work came up when we discussed my breast feeding supply, or lack there of...I'm worried that if I'm pumping now and only getting 1/3 of an ounce (on one side) when things are really bad what is it going to be like when I go back? Then of course there is the issue of me going back to work all together-that's when I started crying.



Growing up I went to daycare-I turned out alright...I think. It's not daycare, it's not that so much as it is I'm going to miss the heck out of this little girl. It's that someone else is going to see her gummy grins and hear her little giggle, listen to her coo and jabber away, get to cuddle her, and spend more time with her than I'll get to. I waited a long time to have her and the thought of handing her over to someone else for 8 1/2 hours a day kills me.



Yep...that's when I lost it.

Oatmeal Peanut Butter Bars - so delish

and fairly healthy too I think!!


I didn't let them cool completely, ok, at all, before trying a bite and they're pretty darn good. Again, oatmeal is supposed to help with your supply of breast milk so thought I'd try these out.

They are certainly quicker and less fatty than the Lactation Cookies I made earlier:
http://ohbladilifegoeson.blogspot.com/2010/06/lactation-cookies-holy-yumminess.html



Enjoy!!

http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/sandra-lee/oatmeal-peanut-butter-bars-recipe/index.html

Houston...we have a thumb sucker

And while she's totally adorable...I was hoping we'd avoid this all together. Guess we're not going to get so lucky.

I take it out of her mouth when I see her put it in there, offer her the pacifier instead (per the Dr. Spock article I read) but she puts it right back in there.

::sigh::
Dang...she's awful cute with that thumb in there, if I do say so myself!

Turnips with Spinach, Hot Pepper and Garlic

We made this tonight to help get rid of an entire bunch of spinach-we're getting so much with our CSA box that we can barely keep up! Luckily this stuff cooks down big time so while it goes a long way when you make a fresh salad, one bunch of this stuff cooks down so much that it's about 2-3 servings!!

This girl blogs about her CSA adventures and the recipes she uses with her yummy produce so she's a great source for recipes!!

http://lizscookingblog.blogspot.com/2008/06/turnips-with-spinach-hot-pepper-and.html

We both liked this recipe and will make it again if we get turnips again!!